The second Sunday in May: A Dress Rehearsal

It will soon be Mother’s Day and if you want it to really be “your day” don’t leave a thing to chance. I know, it sounds so against the romanticized ideal that one’s children and spouse will know just what to do to glorify your presence in their lives. But unless your children are grown and their dad is well-schooled in the rituals of homage you might want to “get real.” Sit down right now and plan your special day. This is an opportunity for constructive self-indulgence.

Of course, many of us find great pleasure in the awkward assemblage of “we don’t have a clue but we love you” tributes and cards. Please remember these rituals last no more than an hour. You still have at least 4 hours of daylight to do as you please. And maybe another 4 hours to see if somebody in your family will do what you please. Seriously, that’s a lot of time for you to be nice to you.

To be honest (true confessions!!!), it has taken me many years to come to the above epiphany about organizing Mother’s Day. I spent several years carrying on a charade of martyrdom right out of my own mother’s playbook. “You don’t have to give me anything. A mother just wants to be appreciated.” I won’t even mention how many Mother’s Days that I COOKED a special meal for the family as a thank you for just being the people who made me a mother. (Just sayin’—I was a sad case.)

This year, I’m going to do a half-marathon through the Santa Barbara wine country with my youngest daughter and another mother-daughter team. They are all flying in from Southern Illinois for the big event. When we get home I’m going to get a massage and have girl’s night to include my older daughter, some of my friends and who-ever else wants to come. This is all the pre-Mother’s Day run-up. On Sunday, the actual day, I plan to “discover” that my husband, oldest son and assorted male friends will host a Mother’s Day luncheon for all the wives, mothers, and grandmothers in their family line.

How do I know this?? Because old habits die hard, and my oldest son came over last night and suggested “we” have a Mother’s Day gathering with all the kids that grew up together in our little neighborhood. In my head, horns began blaring, lights started to flash, and I could feel my free will slipping away. Would I succumb and submit to a hard day of “rewarding” labor in the back yard, monitoring the flow of food and drink as three generations of families had a good time? Press Pause, please.

I’ve grown up and want to share my wisdom. Your children love you. No matter what. So give them (and their dad) the privilege of thanking you for your precious time, your infinite love, and your unquestioned dedication to their well-being. Let them help you be nice to yourself for at least one little day in a year. They can’t read your mind, so show and tell them exactly how to make the day special for you. And then, let the day happen. Daddy (or the designee) will be able to make it work.

Until you take the leap to let your family nurture you, you are denying them something very important. Your children will never experience their capacity to do for you just as you have done for them as a matter of course. You will miss the opportunity to witness that they understand the give and take of family life. You will never empower them to create and follow through on execution of an idea that benefits everyone. At the end of your well-rehearsed Mother’s Day, you will experience tremendous satisfaction—not for being self-indulgent but for seeing proof of concept. Your choice to become a mother really did create a circle of love. Press Play, please.